Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
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Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.