30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.