Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Passwords are more important than ever.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.