Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Selfie
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.