What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
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Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.