The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
no
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
mechanics be like
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”