It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.