Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
That’s incredible! 👌
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too