Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.