The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.