My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper