Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?