I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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#GeekySongsAndShows
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.