Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.