Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.