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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
How I’d get arrested…
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!