I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
seems fine
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.