Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.