Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers