I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means