My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
War & Peace
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.