There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Brands during Pride
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…