ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?