That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
huge if true: the moon
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*