This is hilarious….
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Worlds greatest photobomb