The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The second world war should have been called world war returns