Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!