I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.