date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
You Might Also Like
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”