Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.