Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
This is a true ally.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”