– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Wedding planning is organized crime.