toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.