What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Effort made
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
You know…for fall…
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?