Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
i baked you a cake
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”