Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Who’s your best friend?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!