Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
What about a To-Don’t List?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.