Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
You Might Also Like
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My wedding will be open casket.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*