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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.