I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Monday Lisa
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Hit me in the face with a bird
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.