doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You Might Also Like
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Tier 3 meme
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.