Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
this is uni
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.