Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“i am a sweet baby”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion