[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
You Might Also Like
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.