A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
channeling her this year
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.