Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Very good news from my accountant
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Oh the world we live in…
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.