Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
You Might Also Like
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen