A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?