Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.