I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
You Might Also Like
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*gets down on one knee*
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I didn’t realize that was an option
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd